This morning when I awoke at 3am, I felt fine, since I had a small dinner I was hungry so I got a bowl of ice cream, turned on the tv hoping to fall back to sleep. Within an hour, everything changed. At this point I was debating whether I needed to call 911. As this has happened to me before, even though I could feel myself beginning to panic, I was able to sit and self talk myself down to a reasonable level.
I am at war with chronic pain and my illness. There are many battles and skirmishes along the way. Some are loud with screaming and loud lamenting and others are silent, so very silent that others around you have no idea of the battle waging within. Today's was a sneak attack. I have had some good days and we had been hopeful that I was turning the corner and coming into some well deserved good days. It crept up and jumped me from behind. As the dizziness hit me I was lucky to be right near the bed and immediately laid down. I waited breathlessly to see where it would strike next and when I felt my heart racing I knew I was in for a fight. I sat up assessing if I needed reinforcements but as the racing settled down fairly quickly I made the decision to hold my ground. I laied back down and began the slow arduous path to the other side.
Anyone who experiences chronic pain knows exactly of what I speak. For some the room must be dark with no noise, for others constant movement helps. For myself, I lay on my side and curl somewhat into a ball and try not to move until it is over. I never know what the enemy has in store for me, he has many weapons in his arsenal: headache, nausea, vomiting, chills, fever,
racing heart, skipped heart beats, shortness of breath, dizziness and anxiety. It can be only one or a combination. Today's started with a weird dizzy feeling which immediately went into my heart racing. I became very anxious wondering if it was going to be bad enough to call for the EMS. I assumed the position(laying on my right side with my hands tucked underneath my cheek and began the silent mental battle that I have no choice of fighting.
With my eyes closed I begin to assess the damages so far. My heart rate is slowing down and for that I am SO grateful. I wonder what has caused it this time and as always come up empty handed. My breathing has calmed down so I think I may be lucky this time and will not need reinforcements. I notice that I am having a bad burning feeling in my chest and throat and as I try and make little burps, I succeed in burning my mouth. This tells me my stomach is full of acid and as soon as I feel able I need to get my nausea meds. I also realize my head is pounding and the chills make my body shake uncontrollably.
My husband needs to go out of town today so I make the decision not to tell him whats going on so he does not worry.
For the next 3 hours I lay quietly on my side as as internal battle rages both physically and mentally. The symptoms come and go repeatedly and I wait for the them to ease up just enough so I can take some meds. Finally I am able to take the meds and I go back to my position to wait for them to kick in.
Slowly the majority of the symptoms ease up and I am able to open my eyes and shift my awareness from the inner battle. Today I won, today I was strong enough.
