When I married my husband, I was completely in love and knew in my heart that nothing could ever break us apart or even make a dent in how we felt about each other. We were strong enough to make it through anything. Maybe we are and there will be a happy ending.
Through my early years of illness, we got by pretty easily. My husband would make jokes that I had two speeds, fast forward or broke. As time went on, my broke periods became more frequent and longer in duration. In addition I wasn't bouncing back as easily as they progresssed. Finally the time came that I could no longer work. This of itself created a hugs issue between us as I made more than 50% of our income at the time. After some soul searching and my husband's boss coming up to the plate with more salary and putting me on insurance, we sort of settled into a new normal. Then we moved twice within 2 years, the beast I had been fighting finally had a name as I got diagnosed, I was in and out of the hospital and we both cracked.
Typical for us, we cracked in very different ways, although we both disengaged. Once I was aware of how far off we had gotten ourselves, I tried to turn my focus back to us instead of on me. Trust me this is not easy and no one and I mean no one understand unless they have lived it. You get diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease that effects every cell in your body, I was doing the best I could to survive. As was my husband and I realized that. From here we moved on to 2 of the best years of our 22(this sept.) lives, or at least according to me.
I had never felt so loved, cherished and taken care of. There was nothing I could have needed.
Then, X happened. The reason I am using an X is because I do not know what happened. I don't know wether it's sad or crazy, but if you ask my husband, he doesn't know either. So for the last 2 years we have been going in circles. I never understood how two people had been married for years, had been intimate, looked into each others eyes, loved, cried, all those things could one day be sitting across a table tearing apart a sacred union. After looking into eyes that I know in my dreams, into eyes that cried for me, loved me, when I looked into those eyes and didn't recognize those eyes staring back at me, I now understand. And this is something I never wanted to understand.
I can no longer watch any chick flick because I no longer believe in love. I had taped The Vow and as soon as I just saw the title I started to cry. I no longer believe in unconditional love. Love comes with conditions, it's about what have you done for me lately. It's about seeing what others have and wanting that. When we first met we would sit for hours and stare into each others eyes, and now we avoid them at all costs.
