Living in the Now

One of the things I have been trying to do is focus on the blessings in my life and to be grateful for those rather than focus on the chaos from the divorce. Between my health and the things I have to take care of, I value my free time to watch a good movie. Currently I am watching The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio with Julianne Moore(one of my favorite actresses and the only actress I was told I resembled) and Woody Harrelson. It’s about a family living in the 50’s. They have 10 children and the mother does commercial jingles to help make ends meet.  Her skills tend to follow the needs of her family. For example, they were asked to leave their rented house because the landlord wanted to give the house to his daughter as a wedding present. They had no idea what they were going to do and then the mother wins 5 grand as well as a washer and a dryer and a bike for the kids.The father,  drinks and barely brings home enough to pay the bills. He has a quiet resentment for the things she can provide that he cannot through his spending all their money on booze.

It's the next two scenes that I wanted to comment on. They decide to buy a house this time with the winnings she received. They are at the bank and the banker says the check needs signed. Which one of us the mother asks and the banker replies, you just have to be over 19. The father signs the check. But when the loan papers come out, the mother begins to take off her gloves and says that you need both our signatures. Oh no that's not necessary says the banker. Besides said the father I am the one paying the mortgage every month.

The other scene has the father drunk and still drinking while listening to a baseball game where his team is losing. At the end he loses it, screams at neighbors, kicks the table and chairs and takes a frying pan to a newly won freezer. The mother ushers the kids outside and the police and priest are called. As the mother is cleaning up the mess, the 2 cops are talking about the baseball game. They get up to leave and say he is OK and will just sleep it off. A chagrined father makes his wife a cup of tea then goes to bed. The priest arrives and goes on to tell her to work harder to make her husband happy. The fact that he buys liquor every night so that their is no money for food is blamed on her for not doing more.

My TV is lucky it doesn't have a shoe hanging out of the middle of it. Are you KIDDING me. I wrestled between feeling so angry and wanting her to stick up for herself to being in awe that she was capable of of keeping her cool.

So for today, I am grateful I am not a woman in the 50's. I can't even imagine it. Granted to them it didn't seem so bad as they lived it and worse. Even though we do not have 100% full equality, we've sure come a long way.

instagram.com/boxerluver1

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ ZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Well this is the second week in a row that I have been unable to sleep. I've had a good two weeks too, both physically and emotionally. I've gone to the gym twice, once at 3am(working out when you can't sleep is as good as anything). I am trying to get involved in these Meet Ups and meet some new people. So far I've only gone to one but I have been active with others online. I am slowly working up to it LOL!

I almost always had an issue with sleeping. I would read into the wee hours of the morning. As a working adult I can remember night after night after night watching the clock thinking if I fall asleep now I can still get 5 hours of sleep.............If I fall asleep now I can still get 4 hours of sleep......... You get the picture. God how I hated those nights.

Before you ask I have tried most of the ways people try and beat insomnia. I have only used the bed for sleep, I don't drink caffeine, I've taken the warm baths, not eaten so many hours before bed, not been active so many hours before bed. I've tried meditating, stress relief, teas, none of it works. The only thing I am not keen on is the meds. Trazadone zonked me for a week. I felt like I was walking through cotton candy. I can't take melatonin because that could cause my melanoma to come back and no amount of sleep is worth that.

The only time I enjoyed not sleeping was college. I had way too much fun to even think of sleeping. No, I studied most of those nights. There may have been a few that I had fun:-) I filled my schedule so full I had no time for sleeping. But alas, that was when I had a 20 year old body. I no longer have a 20 year old body(God I wish). 

Hopefully one of these days I will get some sleep!

Daisha never has trouble sleeping

At the beginning of the divorce, everyone told me to expect a roller coaster ride, I did and wasn't disappointed. I could go through more emotions in one day than I would in a month! LOL  As time has gone on like all things, it has gotten better. In fact I was doing fairly well which is probably why I am surprised I am struggling. I am hurting and sensitive and crying at the drop of a hat. Not like me at all. It could be I am getting sick again. I went through a week where I was being so sensitive. My poor dad LOL, he couldn't say anything right and we got into a few humdingers of a quarrel. Once I actually got sick I was able to make the correlation and apologize and own that it was me being sensitive.

After a ton of tests(and I still have a bunch to go) and all the doctors, the concensus seems to be that this infection is a result of my Sarc. Lovely. It is not a usual presentation of Sarc, but this disease presents itself in so many weird and different ways that nothing can be ruled out. So I got to start a new drug oh joy. Hopefully side effects will be a minimum and it won't cause any new problems.

I enjoyed the distraction of the Olympics, and wish I could find something to take it's place. I had hoped to be going out more and exercising by now but I guess that will come later. I am still trying and that is all anyone can ask for.

I am in limbo and can't make some decisions and I think it's freezing me from making any. Plus the first couple months of a new year are so filled with doctor appointments and tests that I feel all I am is a sick person.

But hopefully this will pass soon and at least I know it will pass. If I have learned anything over this illness and the happening of the last year is that this too shall pass and it will get better. That is enough to give me hope:-)