Thanksgiving Memory

Oh, no, no no no no no, it can not be that time for me to fix a turkey again...........can it? Oh please say it isn't so....Please. Well damn.

My first memory of Thanksgiving, we were living on Overlook Drive. I have no idea how young I was, maybe 13-15. And I had the absolute worst cramps that day. My dad was like get over it, my mom told me to lie down with a heating pad. So I went in my room, plugged the heating pad in, layed down and turned the tv on. One of the oddest things I do when I am in pain is watch very off the wall shows for me. Example there have been many an afternoon where I have watched them build the world's tallest building the Burj Dabai, dig underwater to make the chunnel and move a historical Cape Hatteras lighthouse to avoid destruction. I have watched the military channel and learned more about guns, tanks and ships than I could ever want to know, but for whatever strange reason there you have it. So come this Thanksgiving 1983-84, I was in bed with a heating pad watching an old movie. I could not tell you which one it was and except for The Wizard of OZ and The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, I did not watch old movies. But I was and had for the first time(but not the last and I remember each and every one) this feeling of utter contentment. Like all was right with the world. It's a feeling I have had less than 10 times but is memorable and I would like many more. They are special and always have a special memory attached to them.

Since it was just my folks and I that day, I was allowed to eat my dinner in bed. But since then I have always had that memory. Interestingly that it was my first Thanksgiving Day memory. Of course I remember many at my grandmothers house, it's just that they never seemed to vary.

Feeling Hopeless

Feeling out of control, not something I am familiar with. And to be honest, I do not like it in the slightest. Thank goodness it doesn't happen to often, but I have noticed it happening more frequently and always when I am in a flare, which I happen to be in now. Feeling those butterflies in the stomach, which for me feel more like a herd of wild horses, is not one of my favorite feelings. It's something I am sensitive to because my mother has anxiety and that is the last thing I want to have. For her, the smallest things cause her to be anxious. So when I was just lying around and noticed I was feeling anxious for no reason, it bothered me. Fortunately those are far and few in between but not few and far enough. Today has been a very bad day. I was up all last night and fell asleep this morning and did not wake up until about 5 this evening. I feel so out of it and out of touch. I cannot express how much I do not like this. So my plans are to stay awake tonight and tomorrow in hopes of rebooting my body. If only it worked that way.

Here it is a week away from Thanksgiving and I do not remotely feel well enough to celebrate it or Christmas coming behind it. And from someone who absolutely loved the holidays, that is in and of itself depressing. In my head I keep telling myself I can change this, just do this and you will feel better, just do that and you will be all better. And none of that is true. The good news is I can feel better without doing a single thing. The bad news is I cannot feel better doing everything in my power to feel better. So what do I do? Well fake it for starters. At least the best I can. Pray, that I can and will be able to do what I am required. Hope, that I will be able to get some enjoyment out of it and give in, because it is what it is.

Missing Out

The first thing my husband said to me when he got home was you missed another beautiful day. Ah, gee honey thanks for the reminder. Trust me, it's not like I do not realize that every single day. It's one of the problems with living in Florida, every day is beautiful, there is rarely a rainy or yucky day where you feel good about staying in bed and curling up with a good book. But oh boy when one of those rainy days comes a long, it is wonderful!

When we first moved here, before we put our pool in, out back was just a little covered area, not screened in. When I took the dogs out I was too weak to stand to I would sit in a chair and hold the one extend a lead and the other dogs roamed free. Each time I did this, as I was sitting there, I would look at the absolutely gorgeous day and tell myself all that I was missing. I had no choice, it's not like I was being lazy. I was, am sick. At times I began to wonder how many days did I have left to lose?

There are days where I am so sick I could care less what the weather is and there are days where I am well enough to know exactly what I am missing. I have been sick for 10 years, that is a lot of days.