Just to update, we are separated. I am at such a loss and pain. Will write further when able.

A Day At A Time

What a difference a week makes! And thank God for that! I say with hesitancy because another life lesson I have learned is that things change and change fast.

Without getting into all the gory details, we are talking to each other. Yes honest to goodness adult conversation. Not without a little help though. My therapist in her infinite wisdom(who knows my husband better than I do and has never met him)bought us cards that we use to answer questions. We each pick a card and answer it and no cross talk is allowed(this is the only reason my husband agreed to do this because he can answer any way he wants and I am not allowed to say a word). I've literally had to slam my hand against my mouth to refrain from saying anything but I have refrained, barely.

It's been an eye opener for both of us asking things like what is your mates favorite flower(stack 1) to Do you think your mate is a good listener? Why or why not?(stack 2). The idea is after we finish stack 2 we have a better understanding of each other. We have just started stack 2 so I will keep you updated!

The Ugly Truth

I have debated whether to write about this or not, but if it can possibly help one person then it is worth it. In marriage, when one of the spouses is either sick or injured, get ready for the biggest fight of your life and I am not talking about for yourself, I am referring to your marriage.

When I married my husband, I was completely in love and knew in my heart that nothing could ever break us apart or even make a dent in how we felt about each other.  We were strong enough to make it through anything. Maybe we are and there will be a happy ending.

Through my early years of illness, we got by pretty easily. My husband would make jokes that I had two speeds, fast forward or broke. As time went on, my broke periods became more frequent and longer in duration. In addition I wasn't bouncing back as easily as they progresssed. Finally the time came that I could no longer work. This of itself created a hugs issue between us as I made more than 50% of our income at the time. After some soul searching and my husband's boss coming up to the plate with more salary and putting me on insurance, we sort of settled into a new normal.  Then we moved twice within 2 years, the beast I had been fighting finally had a name as I got diagnosed, I was in and out of the hospital and we both cracked.

Typical for us, we cracked in very different ways, although we both disengaged. Once I was aware of how far off we had gotten ourselves, I tried to turn my focus back to us instead of on me. Trust me this is not easy and no one and I mean no one understand unless they have lived it. You  get diagnosed with a potentially fatal disease that effects every cell in your body, I was doing the best I could to survive. As was my husband and I realized that. From here we moved on to 2 of the best years of our 22(this sept.) lives, or at least according to me.

I had never felt so loved, cherished and taken care of. There was nothing I could have needed.

Then, X happened. The reason I am using an X is because I do not know what happened. I don't know wether it's sad or crazy, but if you ask my husband, he doesn't know  either.  So for the last 2 years we have been going in circles. I never understood how two people had been married for years, had been intimate, looked into each others eyes, loved, cried, all those things could one day be sitting across a table tearing apart a sacred union. After looking into eyes that I know in my dreams, into eyes that cried for me, loved me, when I looked into those eyes and didn't recognize those eyes staring back at me, I now understand. And this is something I never wanted to understand.

I can no longer watch any chick flick because I no longer believe in love. I had taped The Vow and as soon as I just saw the title I started to cry. I no longer believe in unconditional love. Love comes with conditions, it's about what have you done for me lately. It's about seeing what others have and wanting that. When we first met we would sit for hours and stare into each others eyes, and now we avoid them at all costs.

I have never hurt this badly.

Exercise is Good for You!

We have now been getting up at 5:45am everyday and walking. I still ask myself why everytime the alarm goes off, but for some strange reason I keep getting up. I am finding that it is affecting my health in that by the fourth day, I begin to decline. Not so much as I cannot do anything, but enough that I need to take a day off. I struggle with not comparing what I am doing now to what I used to be able to do when I was healthy and look at every step as an accomplishment. Since I have been sick this is the longest exercise program I have been on. The others always perished and burned as I was determined to do what I used to do and if passing out after an hour and a half on the eliptical was what it took, then I spit in adversity's face. Although not being able to walk for 3 weeks afterwards was a steep price to pay. But!......... Drumroll please................I have found the Holy Grail, the Street Strider! An eliptical machine on wheels! You can finally get somewhere! Seriously! I used to spend half my life on an eliptical. When I worked in the club, all my employees knew NEVER to bother me when I was working out on the eliptical. My eyes were closed for a reason hello!! Of course I'd have to keep them open on the street LOL!

My goal is to lose an amount that puts me where I was when we had Gracie. We take Daisha with us as she has put on some weight but usually have to put her in as she cannot go as far as we do quite yet. The walk is also beneficial for landscaping ideas, as you can see what other people have done. I need to take my camera with me next time as I don't know the names of some of the plants. My new phase is air plants, the ones that the roots hang down and do not need to be in soil. One neighbor has one hanging out front and I am always tempted to take it. BUT I WON'T! A person way down the street from us has like 4 HUGE air plants hanging off his big tree and everytime I drive by I want to stop and ask him how to go about getting some and how did he get his to get so big. But I am afraid he will think I am some crazy person! Well at least it keeps my mind preoccupied from how tired I am!

Remember, exercise is good for you!

It's That Time of Year

I don't know what's worse, the end of all the Christmas commercials, the beginning of all the political commercials or the onslaught of all the weight loss and get in shape commercials. As fitness and nutrition was my life, I paid no mind to those commercials. I would look on with pity at all the New Years Resolutioners, knowing that in a month, two at the most they would be gone and back to their prior lives. I don't want to say I was smug per se, but I took pride in the fact that I stayed in shape all year and did not need to gather the troops in January for the war on fat.

Ah the glory days. Now that I am sick and have put on X number of pounds(not on your life), I have a whole new perspective. First off I want to run over every person I see out speed walking or running. But I have to settle for flipping them off and hoping they get a stress fracture. (Keep in mind this comes from jealousy). Secondly, I want to throw my remote at the screen as endless celebrities spout off on this weight loss program and that program. If someone wanted to pay me 4 million dollars to lose weight, pay for a trainer and someone to cook my meals, I could lose weight on the moon. Do they seriously think we buy that? UH yeah, in case you haven't heard, the weight loss business is worth billions of dollars.

As a woman in her 40's(what the hell, all you have to do is look at the year I graduated from high school my facebook page.) I have heard that wonderful little tid bit that makes us all want to kill ourselves. That statistic that in order to MAINTAIN our weight we have to work out a minimum 20 minutes a day!(can you hear the screaming)?

I wonder how many calories you burn throwing remotes at the TV?

That Special Day

As I was reading through AOL's headlines, one was on your wedding day. I really haven't thought about that day in awhile and it brought a smile to my face as I hope it does to most of us. The article mostly talked about the difficulty putting the dress on and taking it off. I remember needing to take my maid of honor in to pee so she could hold up my dress. I think that is pretty standard though.

The article alsos mentioned the bride taking off her dress and dropping it off to her parents before they headed to their hotel to their mediocre wedding night. Ours was similar, my parents had a party at their home after the wedding reception for family and special friends so I changed into jeans and a shirt but kept my Vail on for fun. I remember as we left for our 3 hour drive to Pittsburgh where we were staying overnight before catching our plane the next morning, that I grabbed like 3 sandwiches to take with me as I was starving. I barely got to eat at the reception and to this day I am totally pissed with the kitchen staff who ate all my wedding cake. I didn't even get a piece besides the bite my husband gave me ggggrrrrr!!!

Yes would have to say our wedding night was also mediocre as at first we decided we were too tired for any kind of intimacy and we would wait. After a little reconsideration, I was like this is the only wedding night we will have so lets go for it. My husband hesitantly agreed. At least it was better than our first night at our honeymoon destination where he fell asleep right in the middle. Yep, sound asleep! Ah the joys!