As this year comes to a close I am finding myself very nolstagic. 2013 has not been the best of years. Up to date it has been the worst year of my life. I am in the middle of a divorce that is yet final. I lost my mother at the end of October. Even though she had been ill, her death was unexpected. I have been fighting an antibiotic resistant staff infection since April. This infection has zapped any energy I had and I had high hopes it would be gone by the end of the year. I am losing my home and have no idea where I am going to live except for the town. Granted this year could have been a lot worse and I am thankful for all the blessings my family and myself have been given. My dad and I were able to go to the family Christmas for the first time in a long time. We just got back or I would have liked to go out tonight. Especially as I am feeling very much alone tonight.
Most of my friends have dealt with or are dealing with similar problems. Most of my close friends have experienced a death to someone in the family. No time is good, but it's more keenly felt over the Holidays.
Even though 2014 has many changes coming up, I am hoping and praying it is a good year for all of us. As the saying goes, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I wish all my family and friends God's best for the New Year!!
Hugs
Yes, it is 3:14 AM. Sleep is not something I take for granted. I have never really slept that well since I got sick back when I was 12 years old, and that is the earliest I can remember having health issues. I had chest pain and palpitations, but mostly chest pains. My doc said it was mitro-valve prolapse which gave me the joy of having to take antibiotics before any dental procedure. I had this diagnosis until I was in my early 30's when a cardiologist cleared me. But when I really remember my sleep becoming a huge issue was after my hysterectomy. My folks and I went to the cottage so I could recover. I was up all night every night and it never got any better. When I worked and had to be up, I would literally count down the whole night. OK, if I fall asleep now I'll get 6 hours of sleep. Ok, if I fall asleep now I'll get 5 hours. All the way down till I got up. If I was lucky I may have gotten 2 hours.
In college this was great. I thrived on only 2 hours. I loved being up all night studying, pounding the diet cokes. My grandmother was a night owl and I believe most of my family on my dad's side is. I've shared how I used to love at the cottage everybody staying up reading until the wee hours. There is just something special about the night. In the hospital, my favorite time was from about 7pm till 5am. Family went home, the halls quieted down as their was only the night nurses. When they would come in they had more time to talk so you could learn a little more about them. When I was in Tampa General, my window was facing the city so once it got dark, I would stand at the window and just look at the city. It was so pretty at night as most are.
If I had my preference, I would allow my body to use it's natural biorhythms and be awake all night and then sleep during the day. I gave it a run a few years ago. I'd be up then at like 4am I'd go work out, come back in and by then my then husband was up. I'd take a nice leisurely bath, talk with him while he got ready and then when he left for work, I'd go to bed. My body loved it. But it was difficult when things needed to get done or you needed to speak with people. Also, My soon to be ex husband HATED it. Session after session we'd argue about it. He wanted me on his schedule and I thought that was unfair.
For the most part, I tend to stay up late, but still fall asleep during the night so I can be up and productive during the day. But with my illness, my body cycles where I really have no control over what it does like now. This will be the fifth night in a row where I have been up all night. I can't be down tomorrow though so I am going to be very tired(probably too tired to sleep)tomorrow night. Eventually the cycle changes and I sleep all the time. It's strange. Living in my body is like being on an unpleasant amusement park ride that lasts forever. You have no idea what's around the corner. Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry, sometimes you are scared out of your mind and others frustrated beyond belief. You don't know whether to hang on for dear life, or move around a bit to get more comfortable. The one thing it is not is boring. Thank goodness for my Boxer girl to keep me sane!
Currently I am sitting watching Paranormal State(guilty pleasure)waiting for the air conditioning tech to come and God willing fix my air conditioner. Considering that we put in a complete new air conditioner less than a year ago, I am not a happy customer at the moment. In fact I was well on my way to a beaut of a meltdown when my dad, bless his heart, helped me calm down. I was trying to find the paperwork that would show our warranty info as all I had was the renewal notice. As I got back in May I figured it had expired. My dad said the date would be on the renewal and it was. Thank goodness it would not expire till July. I also got lucky in that a storm passed nearby so it cooled things down a bit and with both doors open I got a cross breeze and it's livable. I hope and pray he can fix it. (Update, it was the computer board and of course on a Sat. night at 10 pm, he can't get one so I have to wait until Monday. My dad, bless his heart, brought his brand new portable air conditioner that he had to buy last week when his air conditioner went on the fritz. Must be that time of year.
It's always the small things that set me off. This whole time since my husband walked out on me I have tried to take the high road. As in most divorces, one or both parties tend to mess with the other person and mine is not any different. But as I am firm believer in first that vengeance is the Lords, and second Karma, I wanted to get through this without doing anything illegal, button pushing, or just plain wrong or mean. Personally I think I have done a pretty good job. I will not go into all the sordid details, but everyone who knows the situation has said I am being a saint.
Again another lesson learned.
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I have struggled with weight all my life. Even though both my parents and my grandfather on my dad's side are tall and thin, I got my grandmother's genes(which for all but the weight gene I am extremely grateful:-) ). They are shorter and stockier. I was overweight until I was 13. That summer I went to a horseback riding camp and lost all 25-30 lbs of "baby fat". I became very active in sports and activites I was able to keep it off until my freshman year of college. Ha, I laughed in the face at the freshman 15, I was going to do the freshman 30, so take that!
My junior year of college I joined an aerobics class, and found my career. Between going on a no fat diet and with the amount of exercise I was doing in addition to walking to all my classes and marching with the PSU Blue Band, the weight melted off.
I was able to keep it off during my career as a fitness expert, but when I got sick and could no longer workout at my previous level, I put quite a bit of weight on. For the most part I was able to accept it as I knew if I was healthy I would be working out and it wouldn't be a problem. On a good day I will exercise but it is almost impossible to string a bunch of good days together.
Now that I am getting divorced, I have a new perspective. Do I want to lose weight to attract men, or would I rather maintain as I am in the belief it's the inside of a person that counts. If you believe in set point theory(which I do), it's where your body has a set point. With normal activity and normal eating patterns, your body settles to a weight that is meant for you. The only way to change it effectively is through exercise. I was able to reset my set point from a size 16 to a size 2/4. Because I was SO active I literally needed about 3000 or more calories to maintain, but I did for many years. As soon as I was unable to keep it up, my set point returned to what it was before I got into exercise and I am back to a 14/16. Which is actually the mean size of an American woman(14).
So my dilemma. Do I stay where I am at or do I lose weight to get and please a man. I know, some of you are yelling at me for even asking the question, but seriously. Isn't that a gift I can give my potential husband, a sexy body? Trust me I go back and forth on this one myself. The funny thing is if I was well, I would have the body I used to have
Hope, goals, looking forward to a different future. Once my ex-husband walked out, I read everything I could get my hands on. One of the books said that you mourn the loss of the future you had planned. That is very true. There were so many things coming up that I at least was looking forward to and now those things will not happen.
I have come to the conclusion, that I cannot move forward without hope. Most of my Hope comes from my faith and from God, and as much as I'd like to just wait for God to send me a text, email, tweet or instagram, telling me what to do next, I need to have some goals of my own. The exciting thing for me is I do have some things I am looking forward to. Moving is at the top. For years I have wanted to move home to Bradenton and now I will be. I don't know exactly when but soon. Being closer to my parents will be relief. I cannot wait to get back to the laid back easy feel of a coastal town. I am continuing on with my masters degree and that will open up my future to some possibilities. And the big one is I am starting to date again. I have to say I am absolutely terrified, but I am going in with a complete open mind, no expectations, just to meet people and have a good time.
Once I started looking forward instead of behind, I began to believe in myself again. It's been a tough couple of years and I allowed myself to believe things about myself that were not true. Once I started believing in myself again, more things seemed possible. Once anything seemed possible, I began to get excited about what the future held.
Granted my future is not the one I expected to be having but if I have learned one thing about God is that if He takes something away, he gives it back 10 fold! I am ready to meet my McDreamy!
At times I wonder if I am in shock. Going through a divorce has got to be one of the most stressful, painful events we can ever go through. This is something I NEVER thought would happen to me. I know no one gets married thinking they will divorce. Because of our faith and the kind of relationship we had from the beginning, and what I was told when we were going through difficult times, I thought we were both in this till death. I took my vows very seriously and this has literally been a life shifting experience.
What surprised me, is my situation seems so awful, I could not believe anyone else could do the things that have been done to me. To my utter surprise, when I posted what was going on with me on a divorce board, I received many resounding replies that they were in the exact same situation as myself. Their spouse, had an affair, walked out to begin a new life, leaving them to clean up the mess. How do people do that? I've been told to quit asking why, but I am the kind of person who wants to know why. It helps me process and this is something I just cannot process.
Time heals all wounds. I hope so.
This is a warning. If any of you out there was an idiot like myself, then I would like to warn you so you possibly can avoid the lesson I am learning now. Love where you are in the moment and love what you have at the moment. Yes memories of things and times past are fun to have and hoping for better or more things in the future can be exciting. There is nothing more important then BEING in the now and thankful for what you have in the now.
As you know from my last post, I am getting divorced. My home is one of the casualties. Because of my beliefs and because of almost losing my home before, I do have an appreciation for it. But not the kind I need to have. I have forgotten that the Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Since we have been in this house I have never been settled. It's not the house, the house is beautiful, it's the town. I want to be back home in Bradenton. At the time, where we lived depended on my soon to be ex husband's job. But over the years I have kept the hope alive that I will be able to move back. Remember that saying be careful what you pray for you just might get it LOL!
Now as I walk around my house the thought comes to me that someone else will be living here. I have begun to pray for those people and hope they love this house as much as I did. At one time there was happiness and joy here.
I was so excited about our first home. We built it and that was very exciting for us. It was small, but we didn't care we were so excited. On the weekends we would get McDonald's and then go sit on the slab facing the lake and have breakfast. Up to the very last night I spent in that house, before I would go to bed I would stand in the door way from our bedroom looking into the great room and I would thank God for giving us this beautiful home. Here in all the emotional chaos, I forgot to do that. So be thankful for what you have today, it can be taken away in a moment's notice. But do not forget one of the most wonderful things about God is that He gives back 10 fold what He takes away!! James 1:1-27
I feel as if I am starting new. Before when I thought of that, it evoked feelings of fear, the unknown, the undesirable, resentment. It was the absolute last thing I wanted to do. I fought it quite valiantly if I say so myself. LOL When I am in my health flares, especially if I haven't experienced a really bad one in awhile, I tend to reminisce. These last weeks of reminiscing, had me thinking of when my soon to be ex husband and I moved here. We had recently graduated college, gotten married, and the world was all ours, whatever we wanted, it was possible. As I was thinking about it my body felt the excitement I had felt all those years ago. Such happiness, such hope, such possibility.
Currently, there has been no happiness, no hope, no possibility. And I've been angry about that. Sure, I can start over, alone. Where is the excitement in that? The hope? The possibility? I refused to see it because I didn't want to see it. So I had a temper tantrum. I railed at God, asked all the why questions that had no answers, got a headache from crying(which is why I normally refuse to cry) and went to find the vicks vaper rub(works great after a bad cry, clears the sinuses right up!) and went to bed.
Then, the sun came up the next morning. Nothing spectacular happened, no spirit guide gave me life's answers in the middle of the night, it was just the beginning of another day. A choice comes with it, every day. For some reason, today I looked at it differently. Today there is excitement for what lies ahead. There's hope, there's possibility.
It's been a very long time since I have posted anything and I am not sure exactly what to say. The purpose of me writing this was in my small way to maybe help even just one person going through something similar as well as to keep track of the comings and goings of life.
A major going has taken place in my life. My husband of 21 years walked out on me a few months ago. He chose to give up on our life rather than deal with the plan and promises God had given us. I know it is not easy on a marriage when one spouse or child is ill, but as I took my wedding vows as sacred, this has left me heart broken.
So now my journey goes forward as a single person. I am really too new in this leg of my journey to offer advice to anyone except to say it does get better and you will survive this. I didn't believe it a couple months ago, but now I do. The other important thing I needed to come to understand was his leaving had nothing to do with me. Of course I am not blameless, I was half the problem. But I had been invested already in two years of both marriage and individual counseling and was willing to do whatever it took(as long as it was healthy) to make my marriage work. The one thing in my life I was not and am not is a quitter. The choices he made had nothing to do with me and now my job is to move forward.
Of course the first thing I am going to do when I am in the position to do it is get more boxers! I still have my lovely Daisha, but as I am used to way more feet hitting the floor, that will be rectified as soon as possible. I also hope to train a puppy as my service dog as I miss Max very much. Especially now having a service dog would be very helpful. I would not have made it through this without the unconditional love of my girl!
So just a quick update and I hope to soon be posting new adventures, loves and the patter of many more boxers. As it should be!
