It's That Time of Year

I have a confession to make..........I am a decorating freak. Or I should say I was. I like to think I had taste, but every room was decorated for Christmas. Growing up, the weekend after Thanksgiving was set aside for decorating, and yes it took us those 3 days to decorate. After getting married and moving away, I set up our own similar traditions for decorating. Although as the years went by, I found myself doing more and more alone. It was never quite the same in Florida, but I made every effort to make it like those Christmases of old.

That's why I find it so hard to accept yet another thing has been robbed from me by my illness. Decorating. Now the smaller Holidays no sweat. For example yesterday was Halloween. 2 years ago I found these great pumpkin's with great faces. Now we do not need to carve anymore. I lit a bunch of candles and ate with Andy, a very nice night. After we shut down from tricker treaters, I put the Halloween things away and brought out my few Thanksgiving decorations. I am going grocery shopping tomorrow and I am looking forward to buying some mums to put in the kitchen.

I have discovered that decorating for Holidays announces to everybody, but mostly to yourself, that you are still invested in life. A few of the years I was very sick, I couldn't have cared less about decorating. Just the thought exhausted me let alone knowing it was going to have to be put away. But so far this year I am looking forward to the Holidays and I am proud of myself for the steps I have already taken. For practicalities sake, I do not decorate for Christmas like I did before. I have scaled it down to the tree, some candles, a nativity set and some of my village. Outside we do some lights and I decorate the butia palm although this year it is sick so I may not be able to. But nothing can take away that anticipation that reminds me of being a kid on Christmas morning. The Holidays have begun, have fun!!!!

See Ya! Have a Great Time!

Another Saturday night alone as my husband is out having fun. No, it's not like it sounds, he is out with my blessing, if not relief. And again it's not like it sounds as I would want nothing more than to be out having fun with him. This, is one of the wonderful bonuses of my disease. The cancelling of plans made a few days ago when I was feeling great, but awoke feeling like I had been run over by a truck. Oh, and like before getting hit by the truck, I chased it for miles. Pain and fatigue, my constant companions, my 'other" man.

After many years of being frustrated that this disease had been dictating our lives, we made some decisions to try and take it back. One of those was relating to going out. the rule was that I was first choice, meaning that if I felt well enough to go out, then that's what we would do. But if I wasn't, Andy was free to make other plans so he wasn't stuck sitting at home. It's not a perfect system and we have had plenty of misunderstandings and arguments. And of course work social events must take precedent. The uncomfortable decision we made was to tell our friends that because of my illness, we are not a sure thing. So if they get another offer to go out, they are free to take it even though they have plans with us. Because there is a good chance we may have to cancel at the last minute. We tell them no hard feelings. I have no problem with this, Andy hates it. I know it is not the best of situations and only our good friends can hang in there with those conditions. For me it helps tremendously because I always felt horrible guilt when I had to cancel at the last minute. With this in place I am not thrilled to cancel, but at least the guilt is less.

I hate being alone, but I know my husband needs to socialize. My burden is the lonliness I carry and the effort to not appear put out or upset that I was left behind. Somedays I do well and others I make him pay! LOL Such is the life of a IPer!!

Time Passing

It's funny how you can look at something, someone everyday and one day you notice that they have changed. I was in the kitchen with Daisha(our youngest boxer) this afternoon and I looked down to see what she was doing and it struck me, she looked old! Her once black mask was littered with grey and her normally sparkling eyes with that piss and vinegar look in them were dull. When did this happen? Just yesterday she was that crazed one year old with no training! How is it possible that 6 years have flown by that fast. Where was I?

I have an App on my iphone that tells me how many days until Christmas, wait, let me check.....82! It can't be, wasn't it just Christmas a few months ago? Why does time seem to go faster as you get older? Or does it go faster because I am sick? All I know is that when I was working and living my life, time did not seem to go this fast! In the last 10 years, it has sped up exponentially.

I need it to slow down because I already feel 20 years older than I am. I find myself paying attention to those commercials selling walk in tubs, chair lifts and scooters. I'm like oh yeah, one of those would be great! I already take the phone in the bathroom with me when I take a bath because I heard about that poor woman who got stuck in her tub for 8 days because she couldn't get out!

What's that saying, you are only as young as you think you are!!