It was there, I blinked and almost missed it. Those fleeting moments, hours, days and even weeks when I feel almost normal. I always think I am not going to be able to recognize what normal feels like. But it's like my body relaxes into it and says...aahhh, I remember this....
We went to a game, we had sex twice, went out to dinner a few times and still I was feeling good. I hadn't run errands in months and I needed to get out and get some things so I talked Andy into going out. When it happened I can't recall. What I do recollect was on the way home looking at the clock and thinking I have been going steadily for 6 hours, wow, good for me. Andy wanted to take a nap and I got on the computer and turned on a football game and that is the last thing I remember for 5 or 6 hours. Uh-oh. If I didn't know it before, I am now crystal clear, my good days are gone. Slowly over the next couple days all the signs that let me know I am flaring began to show up. Both the big ones and the little weird ones that I have noticed happen when I flare.
Hoping to deal, I noticed that in that short amount of time my thinking had quickly shifted to that of an able bodied person. Each night I found myself eagerly making plans only to dejectedly cancel them the next day as I realized I was unable to do them. When I am beginning a flare, my mind tends to work in over time and this time was no different. Andy and I had been having a more difficult time than usual lately(mostly from the stress of his old job) and I was looking at ways to try and explain any of this to him that would make it all right. When in reality, nothing makes this all right. But I had a thought, a great thought and I couldn't wait to tell him when he got home. That night I began to try and explain why I do what I do when flaring and my words got all tangled up. The thoughts had been so clear earlier. I tried again and realized it wasn't making sense so I said never mind and he said he understood even though I knew he didn't. How could he when even I didn't.
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