Feeling Hopeless

Feeling out of control, not something I am familiar with. And to be honest, I do not like it in the slightest. Thank goodness it doesn't happen to often, but I have noticed it happening more frequently and always when I am in a flare, which I happen to be in now. Feeling those butterflies in the stomach, which for me feel more like a herd of wild horses, is not one of my favorite feelings. It's something I am sensitive to because my mother has anxiety and that is the last thing I want to have. For her, the smallest things cause her to be anxious. So when I was just lying around and noticed I was feeling anxious for no reason, it bothered me. Fortunately those are far and few in between but not few and far enough. Today has been a very bad day. I was up all last night and fell asleep this morning and did not wake up until about 5 this evening. I feel so out of it and out of touch. I cannot express how much I do not like this. So my plans are to stay awake tonight and tomorrow in hopes of rebooting my body. If only it worked that way.

Here it is a week away from Thanksgiving and I do not remotely feel well enough to celebrate it or Christmas coming behind it. And from someone who absolutely loved the holidays, that is in and of itself depressing. In my head I keep telling myself I can change this, just do this and you will feel better, just do that and you will be all better. And none of that is true. The good news is I can feel better without doing a single thing. The bad news is I cannot feel better doing everything in my power to feel better. So what do I do? Well fake it for starters. At least the best I can. Pray, that I can and will be able to do what I am required. Hope, that I will be able to get some enjoyment out of it and give in, because it is what it is.